I’m going to share 7 “secrets” to quickly improve your marriage.
You might be thinking: “These tips won’t work for MY marriage. It’s hopeless.”
But I’m going to show you why these strategies work for almost any marriage…
No matter what circumstances you are currently facing.
Because using these tips will allow you to change your circumstances, or grow from them. Even if they suck.
And none of these are actually secrets. But are you actually putting these tips to good work in your marriage?
I have to admit that I sometimes fail at all these areas myself. So I’m committing myself to to doing a better job with my wife, starting right now.
1. Be More Intentional:
Great marriages don’t happen by accident.
They are crated by couples who are intentional about doing the right things to make the marriage the best it can be.
This works best if both of you are working together to intentionally improve the relationship. But you can still change the entire dynamic of your marriage if you are the only one putting in the effort.
But the sad reality is that most couples are too distracted put in the effort.
And it doesn’t even have to be all that hard.
Yes, marriage takes work.
But it shouldn’t take hard work. Not most of the time, anyway.
It’s the small actions of kindness and service that make the biggest difference in a marriage.
You can start by being more intentional about the remaining 4 tips.
2. Change Your Mindset:
I’m going to let you in on a secret…
Your mindset is more important than your circumstances.
I believe that God designed marriage to make you both holy and happy. And yes, sometimes He uses difficult circumstances to challenge you, test you, and push you to grow. And sometimes these difficulties arise from the challenges you face in marriage.
Marriage can be a great incubator for spiritual growth.
But I believe that most of the challenges you face in marriage should be relatively minor.
And whatever challenges you do face (big or small) can be overcome if you have the right mindset.
Do you let these challenges drive a wedge between you and your spouse?
Or do you face them WITH your spouse and grow closer as a couple?
Do you let them weigh you down with regret and weariness?
Or do you recognize them as opportunities to learn and grow from?
You can always change your circumstances. Your results are determined by how you react to what happens to you. And how you react is determined largely by your mindset.
If you have a negative mindset, you will probably shove these challenges aside. Try to brush them under the rug. Pretend they don’t matter.
But with a positive mindset you can make the best of a bad situation.
3. Be More Awesome:
If you want to have an awesome marriage, BE AWESOME.
Here’s a quote by motivational writer Jim Rohn:
Your level of success will seldom exceed your level of personal development.
If you want your wife to respect you more, then be a man who inspires respect in her and in others. (Even though she should respect you unconditionally).
Or if you want your husband to show you more love, then inspire his passion. (Yes, he should love you unconditionally anyway).
So read books. Read blogs. Educate yourself. Figure out what you need to learn to be a better spouse, better parent, better Christian, and better person. And implement what you learn.
Ask God to help you grow into the man or woman He has designed you to be.
And do your best to excel at life. Without becoming a perfectionist.
4. Be More Generous:
I believe that one of the keys to a happy marriage is generosity.
The more you give, the more you get.
But for the best results, be especially generous in meeting your spouse’s core needs.
Needs like love and respect. Admiration and affection. Time and attention.
And of course, sex.
And not just ho-hum “let’s get it over with” sex.
Passionate and engaged sex.
Do you know your spouse’s love language?
Do you put intentional effort into speaking his or her love language, as much as possible?
Generosity is scientifically proven to make other people like you, and to make them want to do nice things for you.
So the more you do for your spouse, the more they will want to do for you.
5. Communicate Your Expectations:
I almost called this section “Be More Selfish”.
But I don’t really want you to be selfish. I want you to know what your needs and desires are, and to be more intentional about communicating those needs and desires to your spouse.
Some people say that expectations are bad for a marriage.
But the real problem is unreasonable expectations and uncommunicated expectations. These lead to resentment and bitterness.
But expectations are a normal and healthy part of every relationship. Employers expect their workers to perform their duties competently. Parents expect certain things of their kids. And couples have expectations of each other as well.
And you can’t really know if your expectations are unreasonable if you don’t talk about them. And you can’t hold it against your spouse if he or she fails to meet an expectation they don’t even know about.
As much as you need to do your best to meet your spouse’s core needs, you also need to make sure your spouse knows how to return the favor to meet your needs.
You’ll be running on empty soon if you keep pouring out into your spouse’s love tank without getting anything in return.
6. Pray with your spouse:
The couple that prays together, stays together.
Cliche, I know. But true. Praying with your spouse on a regular basis is one of the best ways to build intimacy and trust.
This is something I struggle with. I pray with my wife each night before bed, but it’s usually a little routine prayer that basically sounds the same every night.
So I’ll be looking for ways to make this less routine and more meaningful. This probably means I’ll have to get more vulnerable with what my hopes, dreams, and fears are.
7. Get Support:
The happiest couples know they can’t do marriage on their own.
Sometimes you have a problem that you just can’t talk to your spouse about.
Or at least not yet. You need support and encouragement from others to give you the courage to talk to your spouse, or to give advice on how to approach the conversation, or to just give you an empathetic ear when you’re struggling.
And successful couples have peers and mentors that they can model their own marriage after.
One of the key components to a healthy Christian life is to be in relationship with other believers.
And a healthy marriage is no exception.
However, don’t take this as a license to gossip with your girlfriends (or guy friends) about how your hubby (or wife) is doing it all wrong. This isn’t for complaining about your marriage or your spouse, but for building supportive relationships into your life.
And there may even be times when you need the help of a professional counselor or coach to help you through the more difficult challenges you face in marriage.
So there you have it, my 7 best tips to improve your marriage quickly. Do you have any tips that you would add? Let us know in the comments section below.
And share this post with your friends if you think it would be helpful.
I decided to borrow her headline idea and create my own post on the subject. So here’s my list of things I would say about sex:
1. I love sex (with my wife), and I’m proud of it:
As a Christian, I believe that great sex is a part of God’s design for marriage. So yes, I love sex and I’m proud of it.
But that wasn’t always the case.
I mean yes, I’ve always loved sex with my wife, but there was a time I was ashamed of my sexuality. I was raised in the Church, which taught me to avoid all things sexual like the plague. Sex was dirty, wrong, and shameful.
I was taught that sex is carnal, and therefore unspiritual.
I recently sent out an email to my subscribers list where I said this:
Do you believe that sex is an important part of marriage?
I sure do.
In fact, as a Christian I believe that the Bible is all for sex…
As long as you keep it between you and your wife. Anything is fair game as long as you follow that one simple rule…
I had a reader email me back. She believes that this is a “formula for perversion and deceit”. I asked her to clarify what she meant by this, and she said that just because you’re married doesn’t mean you could engage in any sexual act. She said that God has guidelines for what married couples could do with each other.
Sex Acts The Bible Restricts
I agree that there are guidelines. What does the Bible say about sex in marriage? It tells us not to engage in:
Adultery – Sex with someone other than your spouse (Exodus 20:14, Proverbs 5:1-20)
Fornication – Any sex outside of marriage, like premarital sex or threesomes (1 Corinthians 6:18)
Homosexuality – Sex with someone of the someone of the same gender (Leviticus 18:22)
Lusting after someone who is not your spouse – including porn (Matthew 5:28)
Bestiality – sex with an animal (Leviticus 18:23)
Incest – sex with close relatives (Leviticus 18:6-18)
Public nudity/sex (Genesis 3, God gave Adam and Eve clothing after the Fall)
These are all of the restrictions the Bible has against sexual acts. You can sum these up by saying that sex is only for husbands and wives.
The Bible is Pro Sex For Married Couples
But these aren’t the only guidelines the Bible gives about sex in marriage. These are just the restrictions. All of the other guidelines are very pro sex:
Do not deprive your spouse of sex (1 Corinthians 1:1-5)
Passionate kissing (Song of Solomon 1:2)
Sexual passion (Song of Solomon)
Oral sex (Song of Solomon 2:3 and 4:16)
Enjoying your wife’s breasts (Prov 5:19)
Being intoxicated by your spouse (Prov 5:18-19)
Also notice what the Bible doesn’t say about married sex. The Bible is silent on manual sex (hand jobs). It also has nothing to say about masturbation, or anal sex, or what positions are allowed, or using objects (like sex toys) for sexual stimulation. I think it’s safe to assume that a husband and wife can enjoy any sexual activity they want, as long as it doesn’t involve anyone else and there is mutual consent.
I am convinced that God’s design is for married couples to enjoy frequent, passionate sex.
Participating in a wide variety of sex acts and positions is a great way to enhance the passion and intimacy of sex.
In fact, limiting sex to a handful of “approved” positions and activities can be downright harmful to your marriage. Sex can become boring if you always do the same things, every time. Limiting sex can also cause frustration and bitterness if the other spouse wants more than what you are willing to give.
This is why I encourage married couples to talk candidly an openly about their sexual desires and fantasies.
Now, none of this gives you permission to be selfish in how you approach sex. In fact, I believe the Biblical model is to practice generosity. Being generous includes being open to new things, but it also includes putting your spouse first. If your spouse finds a certain act or position to be painful or uncomfortable, be considerate of that.
There can be incredible shame and guilt associated with sex, or certain sex acts, especially for someone who was raised in the Church or was abused at some point. Your job is to lovingly help your spouse overcome these difficulties. Not to selfishly demand he or she do what you want.
As a final note, take a look at Jesus’ warning to the Pharisees in Matthew 15:8-9:
These people honor me with their lips,but their hearts are far from me.
Their worship is a farce, for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God.’
There’s no doubt that marriage can be really hard sometimes.
I like to talk about how marriage should make you holy more than happy. Facing and overcoming difficult times in your marriage can do a lot to help you develop godly character.
But marriage doesn’t always have to be hard. In fact, it shouldn’t be. I believe that marriage should make you both happy and holy, with a little more emphasis on the holy. And you can grow a lot from your marriage even when things aren’t hard, so the two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Unfortunately, a lot of what makes marriage hard for some people isn’t the big ticket issues, it’s a bunch of little stuff that piles up together and makes things seem worse than they really are.
Maybe you are on the verge of divorce, or you’re not quite there yet but worried that you’re headed in that direction. You may be discouraged by statistics that claim that 50% of marriages end in divorce and that there is barely any difference in the divorce rate for those who are in the church. It seems almost inevitable that you will end up as a part of those statistics. How can you possibly beat the odds?
I recently ran a poll where I asked you to share your ideas to keep the romance alive in marriage. The results are in. Here are 27 ways to be romantic:
Keep a Regular Date Night:
INTRODUCE DATES NIGHTS IDEAS, Not to talk or discuss families or relationships issues!!!! but to just enjoy life and build memories together ( Movies, walks, weekend away, dinner, lunch, supper, game night etc for just the 2 of you).
We do a date night every other Friday then the alternative Friday is family night…weather permitting we do a bonfire.
Keep a once a week date night. It must focus on your relationship and not the things that are day to day life.
A date once a month at the restaurant of your spouse.