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19 January 2015 ~ 3 Comments

What Does the Bible ACTUALLY Say About Sex in Marriage?

What Does The Bible Say About Sex In Marriage














I recently sent out an email to my subscribers list where I said this:

Do you believe that sex is an important part of marriage?
I sure do.
In fact, as a Christian I believe that the Bible is all for sex…
As long as you keep it between you and your wife. Anything is fair game as long as you follow that one simple rule…
I had a reader email me back. She believes that this is a “formula for perversion and deceit”. I asked her to clarify what she meant by this, and she said that just because you’re married doesn’t mean you could engage in any sexual act. She said that God has guidelines for what married couples could do with each other.

Sex Acts The Bible Restricts

 I agree that there are guidelines. What does the Bible say about sex in marriage? It tells us not to engage in:
  • Adultery – Sex with someone other than your spouse (Exodus 20:14, Proverbs 5:1-20)
  • Fornication – Any sex outside of marriage, like premarital sex or threesomes (1 Corinthians 6:18)
  • Homosexuality – Sex with someone of the someone of the same gender (Leviticus 18:22)
  • Lusting after someone who is not your spouse – including porn (Matthew 5:28)
  • Bestiality – sex with an animal (Leviticus 18:23)
  • Incest – sex with close relatives (Leviticus 18:6-18)
  • Public nudity/sex (Genesis 3, God gave Adam and Eve clothing after the Fall)

These are all of the restrictions the Bible has against sexual acts. You can sum these up by saying that sex is only for husbands and wives.

The Bible is Pro Sex For Married Couples

But these aren’t the only guidelines the Bible gives about sex in marriage. These are just the restrictions. All of the other guidelines are very pro sex:

  • Do not deprive your spouse of sex (1 Corinthians 1:1-5)
  • Passionate kissing (Song of Solomon 1:2)
  • Sexual passion (Song of Solomon)
  • Oral sex  (Song of Solomon 2:3 and 4:16)
  • Enjoying your wife’s breasts (Prov 5:19)
  • Being intoxicated by your spouse (Prov 5:18-19)

Also notice what the Bible doesn’t say about married sex. The Bible is silent on manual sex (hand jobs). It also has nothing to say about masturbation, or anal sex, or what positions are allowed, or using objects (like sex toys) for sexual stimulation. I think it’s safe to assume that a husband and wife can enjoy any sexual activity they want, as long as it doesn’t involve anyone else and there is mutual consent.

I am convinced that God’s design is for married couples to enjoy frequent, passionate sex.

Participating in a wide variety of sex acts and positions is a great way to enhance the passion and intimacy of sex.

In fact, limiting sex to a handful of “approved” positions and activities can be downright harmful to your marriage. Sex can become boring if you always do the same things, every time. Limiting sex can also cause frustration and bitterness if the other spouse wants more than what you are willing to give.

This is why I encourage married couples to talk candidly an openly about their sexual desires and fantasies.

Now, none of this gives you permission to be selfish in how you approach sex. In fact, I believe the Biblical model is to practice generosity. Being generous includes being open to new things, but it also includes putting your spouse first. If your spouse finds a certain act or position to be painful or uncomfortable, be considerate of that.

There can be incredible shame and guilt associated with sex, or certain sex acts, especially for someone who was raised in the Church or was abused at some point. Your job is to lovingly help your spouse overcome these difficulties. Not to selfishly demand he or she do what you want.

As a final note, take a look at Jesus’ warning to the Pharisees in Matthew 15:8-9:

These people honor me with their lips,but their hearts are far from me.

Their worship is a farce, for they teach man-made ideas as commands from God.’


Further reading:

To Love, Honor and Vacuum: Can Christians Use Sex Toys? – Sheila argues that there is nothing wrong with sex toys per se, but explains why she thinks they are less than ideal.

The Marriage Bed: Is Masturbation a Sin? – For teens and parents. The article explains how masturbation may help teen boys stay sexually pure.


01 January 2015 ~ 3 Comments

15 Tips To Rock Your Marriage in 2015

2015Happy New Year!

It’s that time when bloggers around the world write list posts about how to make 2015 the best year ever.

I thought I’d follow suit with my own list post of 15 ways to rock your marriage in 2015.

10 July 2014 ~ 0 Comments

Should Marriage Be Hard?

broken heartThere’s no doubt that marriage can be really hard sometimes.

I like to talk about how marriage should make you holy more than happy. Facing and overcoming difficult times in your marriage can do a lot to help you develop godly character.

But marriage doesn’t always have to be hard. In fact, it shouldn’t be. I believe that marriage should make you both happy and holy, with a little more emphasis on the holy. And you can grow a lot from your marriage even when things aren’t hard, so the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Unfortunately, a lot of what makes marriage hard for some people isn’t the big ticket issues, it’s a bunch of  little stuff that piles up together and makes things seem worse  than they really are.


09 July 2014 ~ 1 Comment

Headed for Divorce? Here’s How To Have A Happy Marriage Again

angry coupleAre you in an unhappy marriage?

Maybe you are on the verge of divorce, or you’re not quite there yet but worried that you’re headed in that direction. You may be discouraged by statistics that claim that 50% of marriages end in divorce and that there is barely any difference in the divorce rate for those who are in the church. It seems almost inevitable that you will end up as a part of those statistics. How can you possibly beat the odds?

I have good news for you.


26 May 2014 ~ 4 Comments

“Life is Short. Have an Affair” (With Your Spouse)

love affairI often check the spam folder on my email because every once in a while (like 3 times a year) I find something in there that I actually want.

One email I often see (that I definitely don’t want) has this headline:

“Life is short. Have an Affair”

Yeah, because apparently I’m not living my life because I’m only having sex with my wife.

Because if I’m “restricted” to only having sex with one person I must not be experiencing the full variety of sexual pleasure this life has to offer.

Because having passionate sex with the woman I love, the woman who promised to love me for the rest of  my life, who bore my 3 children…

Apparently that isn’t good enough.

In order to really live my life, I need to pay some site money to have awkward, unemotional sex with some random stranger.

I need to expose myself, my wife, and our breastfed baby to the dangers of STDs.

I need to risk tearing my family apart, destroying my wife’s sense of self worth, and creating a hostile home environment that would do unrepairable damage to my kids, all for a cheap thrill.

No thanks. […]

04 May 2014 ~ 3 Comments

27 Ways to Keep the Romance Alive in Marriage

keep romance aliveI recently ran a poll where I asked you to share your ideas to keep the romance alive in marriage. The results are in. Here are 27 ways to be romantic:

Keep a Regular Date Night:

  1. INTRODUCE DATES NIGHTS IDEAS, Not to talk or discuss families or relationships issues!!!! but to just enjoy life and build memories together ( Movies, walks, weekend away, dinner, lunch, supper, game night etc for just the 2 of you).

  2. We do a date night every other Friday then the alternative Friday is family night…weather permitting we do a bonfire.

  3. Keep a once a week date night. It must focus on your relationship and not the things that are day to day life.

  4. A date once a month at the restaurant of your spouse.

  5. Date night that’s still a date when you get home.

Ideas for What to do on a Date: […]

27 April 2014 ~ 0 Comments

Survey: How to Keep Romance Alive in Marriage?

I have been thinking of writing a post on how to keep romance alive in marriage, but for this I would like to do something a little different.

I want to collect YOUR romantic ideas and feature them in this post.

If you would like to share your ideas, please use this survey to send in up to 3 ideas. I will collect these ideas and combine any similar ones together and write a post based on the results.


11 April 2014 ~ 6 Comments

“If You Love Me You’ll Have Sex With Me”

broken heartIt’s a classic ploy teenage boys pull to get their girlfriends to have sex with them.

“C’mon baby, you will if you love me.”

This is completely unloving and manipulative behavior for these teens. Sex is an inappropriate expression of love outside of marriage.

And yet, there is a nugget of truth to these selfish requests.

Sex is a valid and even essential expression of love and commitment within marriage.This is true for both men and women, though I think that men often feel this need more potently.

In many marriages sex is shoved aside, like it is just some fringe benefit of signing the marriage contract.

Or worse, it is treated as something base, carnal and dirty that needs to be kept locked up and let out only when the beast is out of control.


01 April 2014 ~ 1 Comment

The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Marriage

Marriage GardenThink of your marriage as a garden.

If you’ve ever tried gardening, you know it requires constant attention. You have to provide food, water and sunlight in order for the plants to thrive. You need to pull weeds, handle pests and take care of the soil. A garden will thrive when you intentionally take the time to care for it.

Killing a garden, on the other hand, is easy. You don’t even have to choose to kill it, it will shrivel and wilt on it’s own if you simply don’t choose to tend it.


27 March 2014 ~ 0 Comments

“Don’t Change Me!” – 4 Ways to Inspire Spiritual Growth In Your Spouse

inspires spiritual growth

The other day I was watching one of the polygamy reality shows on TV. I don’t agree with polygamy, but I do think that watching these shows gives an interesting look into a different family and marriage structure.

The husband on the show started a policy of “safe talks” among his wives. Basically, he wanted them to feel safe bringing their issues to each other. If one wife was having problems with another, he wanted the offended wife to feel safe in approaching the offender.

One wife was a bit more vocal than the others and apparently she had accidentally offended some of them. They came to her wanting to have “safe talks” and she felt very judged and felt insecure for having caused the offenses.

So she went to the husband because she didn’t think the policy would work for her. She felt that he was pressuring her to be open to these talks. During the argument she said “Don’t change me!”

This echoes common marriage advice that you can’t and shouldn’t try to change your spouse. I think this is bad advice.