26 January 2015 ~ 5 Comments

5 Things I Would Say About Sex if I Had No Filter

5 things

I recently read this post By Julie about 9 things she would say about sex if she had no filter.

I decided to borrow her headline idea and create my own post on the subject. So here’s my list of things I would say about sex:

1. I love  sex (with my wife), and I’m proud of it:

As a Christian, I believe that great sex is a part of God’s design for marriage. So yes, I love sex and I’m proud of it.

But that wasn’t always the case.

I mean yes, I’ve always loved sex with my wife, but there was a time I was ashamed of my sexuality. I was raised in the Church, which taught me to avoid all things sexual like the plague. Sex was dirty, wrong, and shameful.

I was taught that sex is carnal, and therefore unspiritual.

But this is a heresy. The idea that carnality and spirituality are polar opposites was introduced by an early cult called gnosticism. They taught that the road to salvation wasn’t through Jesus Christ, but through “spiritual enlightenment”. And the path to enlightenment was to deny the pleasures of the flesh.

For instance, they taught married couples to stop having sex in order to become more spiritual. And it is likely that the Apostle Paul was countering this heresy teaching when he wrote this (1 Cor 1:1-5):

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Paul encouraged husbands and wives to have more sex, not less!

After learning about this and other pro-sex verses (for husbands and wives) in the Bible, I stopped being ashamed of my sexuality.

2. It’s not selfish to want more sex than your spouse:

Along with being ashamed of my sexuality in general,  I thought it was wrong and selfish to want more sex than my wife wanted.

In fact, I thought it was wrong to ask my wife for sex, because if I had to ask, she didn’t really want it. And if she didn’t really want it, it was selfish to ask for it.

So instead of being honest and forthcoming with my desires, I had to resort to manipulation to get sex. I had to get her to want it first. I usually did this by giving her a massage, which I would try to turn into an erotic massage.

This rarely worked, and usually resulted in her getting upset at my passive-aggressive attempts to arouse her, when all she wanted was for the awesome (non-erotic) massage to continue.

This pattern led to a lot of frustration and resentment for both of us.

I’ve since learned that it’s not selfish or wrong to want sex more than my wife, or to ask for it if I want it.

3. You’re probably not having enough sex:

I generally assume that married couples could and should be having more sex than they are. Studies show that most people, men and women, want more sex than they are having, and that more sex is good for your health and improves your satisfaction in the relationship.

And as the verse above indicates, the Bible also encourages husbands and wives to have frequent, passionate sex.

4. Culture has it backwards:

In our culture, everything is hyper-sexualized.

Everything except marriage, that is.

Sex outside of marriage is portrayed as passionate, spontaneous, and all around amazing.

Sex in  marriage is painted as dry, routine, and boring.

But nothing could be further from the truth. Marriage is not the sex killer it is portrayed as being. In fact, within marriage you have the safety, security, and time to learn what really drives each other wild.

With casual sex, you generally have to start all over with each new partner. You just don’t have the time to learn what makes sex great for each new partner.

5. Great sex is about being generous:

Awesome is the result of making sex as amazing as it can be for your spouse.

The more I focus on making sure my wife feels great during sex, the more I get out of it.

When I was first coming out of my shame and guilt over my sexuality, I realized that if I wanted to improve our sex life, I needed to make it more enjoyable for my wife. Since focusing on that, sex has improved for both of us.

So there you have it, my unfiltered thoughts about sex.

What about you, what would you say about sex if you didn’t have a filter?

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5 Responses to “5 Things I Would Say About Sex if I Had No Filter”

  1. Jerry Stumpf 26 January 2015 at 1:29 pm Permalink

    Daniel,

    Very positive and transparent post.

    Glad you were mentioned on Twitter so I could find you.

    As a marriage coach I am always on the look out for men who are generating marriage positive materials.

    Thanks! Keep up the great work.

    Jerry Stumpf
    Jerry Stumpf recently posted..5 Ways To Become A More Active Listening Husband In Your MarriageMy Profile

  2. Paul Byerly 7 February 2015 at 7:52 pm Permalink

    Great stuff, five thumbs up!

    As to #3, the question is why? There are plenty of couples where they BOTH say they want more, so it’s not refusal.
    Paul Byerly recently posted..Filter Down! (What I Really Think About Sex)My Profile

    • Daniel Robertson 7 February 2015 at 8:37 pm Permalink

      Paul, I think that when both spouses would like to be having more sex, the reason they aren’t boils down to three things.

      1. They are too darn busy for their own good and don’t have the margin to enjoy sex frequently enough. Which really means they aren’t making it a priority.

      2. The shame or the sense of guilt I described in points 1 and 2 of this post keep them from initiating sex more often.

      3. They don’t realize they both want more sex because they don’t talk about it.
      Daniel Robertson recently posted..7 “Secrets” to Improve Your Marriage QUICKLYMy Profile

      • Taunya 17 February 2015 at 4:23 pm Permalink

        or 4. One partner has issues from sexual wounds that needs therapy.


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