28 March 2012 ~ 1 Comment

7 Tips To Better Communication With Your Wife (Even If You Feel Clueless)

Do you ever feel clueless when it comes to communicating with your wife? You already know you need to communicate better with her. You are aware of the statistics on how many marriages end in divorce over this issue. But you feel frustrated because you just can’t seem to get it right. Your wife has probably let you know that she needs you to open up to her or communicate more with her. She may have even told you that she feels like there is no emotional connection between you.

If this is you, rest assured that you are not alone in your struggle. In fact, I understand where you are coming from all too well. What is a godly man to do in this situation?

The Problem – Why Communication In Marriage Breaks Down

Communication in marriage is a big issue. After all, who goes into a marriage thinking that they will simply end up sharing space without really connecting? You may be tempted to believe that you are a horrible communicator, but I’m willing to bet that is not the case. The problem is that you communicate like a man and your wife communicates like an extraterrestrial alien – or a woman.

You are probably more concerned about facts, goals, and results. At the workplace, you are probably very good at communicating in order to achieve your objectives. You have no problem discussing work related issues with your co-workers in order to achieve the results you need.

Your wife, on the other hand, does better with emotions, relationships, and intuition. She can talk all day about who posted what on Facebook, who’s pregnant, who’s getting married, and all sorts of things that you couldn’t care less about.

When there is a problem in your marriage, she probably drives you bonkers trying to figure out exactly what she’s trying to say and what you should do about it. Most of the time you would swear that she doesn’t have a clue herself. She’s just angry and upset and you feel like you’re navigating a minefield trying to stay alive for a few minutes.

The problem isn’t that you or your spouse are bad at communicating. You just speak different languages.

How To Communicate With Your Wife – Her Way

God has placed very clear commands on you as a man. You are to love your wife and sacrifice yourself for her. Loving her means learning to speak in her language ad communicate love in a way she can receive it. This means showing interest in who’s pregnant and who’s having a baby. It means listening to her without thinking primarily about “How can I fix this?“It means figuring out how to open up and share your emotions with her.

Here are 7 tips for speaking her language:

  1. Learn About What Speaks Love To Her: If you haven’t read The Five Love Languages recently it might be time for a refresher. Everybody communicates love in different ways. You probably tend to try to show her love in your language. In order for her to feel loved you need to find out what her language is and show her love in that language. Even if you once went through this and learned her love language, you might be surprised if you go through it again. It has been my experience that people’s love language will change over time.
  2. Act Enthusiastic Even When You Aren’t: I’m not telling you to lie. Just show interest in the things she shares with you even if it is something that you don’t care about. If she tells you one of her friends who you’ve never met is pregnant it’s time to start asking questions and letting her share the story with you. It might not be important to you but she obviously cares about it if she brought it up.
  3. Engage With Her: If she want’s to talk to you it’s probably a good idea to disengage with whatever you are doing and engage with her instead. Turn off the TV, video game, computer or whatever else you may be paying attention to and face her straight on. To men, face to face communication usually means conflict. To your wife, it means intimacy. Look her in the eyes and listen to her.
  4. Use Active Listening Skills: You may have learned about this at work. It works in marriage, too. Make good use of nonverbal communication. Ask her probing questions or to clarify something if you don’t understand what’s coming across. Even if you think you understand what she’s saying it might be a good idea to repeat what she’s saying in your own words every once in a while. You can do this by saying something along these lines: “So you are saying that you feel…”
  5. Forget About The Problem, Focus On The Emotions: You’ve probably heard a million times that your wife doesn’t want you to solve her problems. That’s because it’s true a large portion of the time. Instead of trying to get her to tell you what the problem is so you can help her solve it just talk to her an empathize with her. This is her way of figuring out what the problem is.
  6. Compliment Her: Your wife needs to feel beautiful and desirable. Find ways every day to compliment her. Text her from work to tell her you can’t wait to get home. Notice the things she does every single day that tend to get overlooked. Praise her on her appearance or how well she handles the kids. Don’t be generic. Find specific things to compliment her on.
  7. Actions Speak Louder Than Words: Sometimes good communication just means serving her with actions. Give her a break from the kids. Do a chore she normally does. Take out the trash before she has to start in on you to do it. Ask her what you can do to help her. Marriage isn’t about compromise; it’s about giving 100% even when you feel that she isn’t.

 

Communication in marriage can be ugly and  dysfunctional at times. Everybody goes through this. It doesn’t have to be that way though. Learn to communicate in your wife’s language and things will improve drastically. It takes time and effort to do this, but it is definitely worthwhile if you want to have a strong, Godly marriage.

Time For Homework

Your assignment is to go and apply a few of  these tips this week. After you’ve done that, come back here and report on how things went in the comment section. If you’re really ambitious you can try all of them. I dare you.

 

One Response to “7 Tips To Better Communication With Your Wife (Even If You Feel Clueless)”

  1. Heather 4 May 2013 at 8:31 pm Permalink

    I like this post. Now where do I find the “How to communicate with your husband?” post? – I hear you when you say show respect, and maybe because I talk to communicate love, I am trying to communicate respect by talking, but not using verbal language he needs, wants or understands, is creating a dead end.

    I think I am showing respect. I fold my hands (or sit on them)and give him undivided attention and node when he looks my way when he is sharing his day, work issues etc. This has proven to work. But when he is done talking and his mind has moved on without asking “How was your day?” or turning the floor over to me to share, what respectful communication can be demonstrated to start the suggested conversations in the “How to communicate better with your wife” post?


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